(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

  • 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
  • A blind vampire is a pain in the butt
  • A camel is a horse twice ratified by a committee
  • A certain cure for nailbiting is to take up plumbing
  • A chihuahua is a small crocodile with fur
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet
  • A critic knows the way, but can’t drive
  • A running chicken is poultry in motion
  • A Smith & Wesson beats four aces
  • All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand
  • Always remember to pillage before you burn
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
  • Are you aware that light bends around your head?
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero
  • Bo Peep was insured
  • Brave, blind, senseless and under protest was the first to eat an oyster
  • Broads hate sexists
  • California has its faults
  • Call it a hunch – Quasimodo
  • Call me schizo, but I’ll always have each other
  • Carpenter’s Rule: cut to fit, beat into place
  • Cat (n): lapwarmer with buzzer
  • Cats are not clean, they are covered in cat spit
  • Cats know how we feel. They don’t care, but they know.
  • Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office
  • Cole’s Law: thinly sliced cabbage
  • Constant change is here to stay
  • Contentment is biting a parrot
  • Corduroy pillows: they’re making headlines
  • Corrugated iron is really groovy
  • Cross the river, then shoot at the crocodiles
  • Darwin’s First Law: if you’re stupid, you die
  • Dear Santa, please send me your complete list of naughty girls
  • Death is nature’s way of saying ‘Howdy’
  • Deep down he’s really shallow
  • Deja brew: the feeling you’ve had this beer before
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
  • Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it
  • Dijon vu: the feeling you’ve had this mustard before
  • Do not be led astray onto the path of virtue
  • Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
  • Doesn’t just know nothing, doesn’t even suspect anything either
  • Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain
  • Don’t fry bacon naked
  • Dragons do exist, you just can’t get through the firewall
  • Draw the curve, then plot the points
  • Drink HEBREW, the manly beer
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines
  • Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
  • Edam: the cheese that’s made backwards
  • Elevators smell different to short people
  • Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
  • Every person has their price. Mine is $5.95.
  • Experience is the comb life gives you after you’ve turned bald
  • For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  • Forty eight percent of all statistics are useless
  • Free advice is worth what you pay for it
  • Freedom: The right to choose the habits that bind you
  • Friends come and go, enemies accumulate
  • Genitalia: NOT an Italian airline
  • Get thee down, be thou funky
  • Give a woman an inch and she thinks she’s a ruler
  • He who laughs, lasts
  • Heck is for people who don’t believe in Gosh
  • Help stamp out and abolish redundancy
  • Hen: device for an egg to make another egg
  • How did they measure the size of hailstones before golfballs?
  • How do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
  • I couldn’t care less about apathy
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
  • I DO have a photographic memory, I’m just out of film
  • I don’t believe in reincarnation, but I did in my last life
  • I drank WHAT? – Socrates
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
  • I haven’t eaten a bloody thing all day – Dracula
  • I intend to live forever: so far, so good
  • I like the approach, now let’s see the departure
  • I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
  • I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
  • I refuse a battle of wits with an unarmed person
  • I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
  • I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week
  • I’m not under the affluence of incohol!
  • If all is not lost, where is it?
  • If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
  • If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they
  • If introduced to someone called Jessica Fletcher, worry
  • If life were logical, men would ride side-saddle
  • If thine enemy offend thee, buy his child a drum
  • If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
  • If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
  • It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one
  • Jenkin’s Law: an unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys
  • Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them
  • Knee (n): device for locating furniture at night
  • Kurt Cobain: The Man Without A Face
  • Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job
  • Mental backup in progress – do not disturb!
  • Mind like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states
  • Most people get lost in thought, because it is such unfamiliar territory
  • Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before
  • Myth: A female moth
  • Nature heals and the doctor takes the fee
  • Never confuse an open mind with one that’s vacant
  • Never step in anything soft
  • Never trust someone who claims to like cricket
  • Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon
  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • Once upon a time, air was clean and sex was dirty
  • Patience is a virgin
  • Pram: Last year’s fun on wheels
  • Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
  • Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol
  • Refuse anaesthetic; transcend dental medication
  • Reincarnation is making a comeback
  • Save your procrastination for next week
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark
  • Stop going through life pushing doors marked ‘pull’
  • Stop thinking so hard: the sands of time are getting in your ice cream
  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have
  • Televangelists: The professional wrestlers of religion
  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
  • The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen
  • There was once a person so ugly that not even the tide would go out with them
  • Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • Whatever happens, let’s not confuse the issue with facts
  • When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane
  • When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • You’re all crazy and you’re trying to steal my magic bag