Things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang..
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.
21: Do you want stuffing?
22: How many do you think this bird will satisfy?
23: I usually give it a good old wash out before I stuff it.


In 1994, South Africa entered the cellular phone market. You could either get with Vodacom, 50% owned by the hated Telkom (and the other 50% by Vodafone, who now has a controlling share), or “the better connection”, MTN.

In the last 14 years, MTN and Vodacom have been producing profits in the tens of billions of rands. MTN has reached out into Africa as well, cornering the Nigerian market too. These are big boys.

Anyway, this weekend, MTN’s entire network crashed. Their. Entire. Network. Crashed. Okay, so maybe it happens, but we’re talking a 14-year old company with billions of rand (or hundreds of millions of dollars) in profit every year. This doesn’t happen. Then again, apparently it does.

Let’s see what happens when the SABC tries to get comment.

When the national broadcaster phoned the help desk for comment, the “call centre spokesperson … didn’t want to be identified.” I’m not surprised – I’ve had the same issue with my calls to technical support with almost everybody I’ve dealt with, primarily Sentech, M-Web, Internet Solutions and Hetzner Africa. If you do get through, you speak to someone who gives you their first name, no surname, and refuses to put you through to someone higher up the food chain. Plus, in most cases, you’re treated like a criminal. There is no such thing as customer service in this country. But I digress.

According to the article, the call centre spokesperson “said that engineers were aware of the problem and were working around the clock to fix the fault. He said most parts of the country were affected. Officials from MTN were not available for comment, the broadcaster said.”

That was yesterday. Today, as a follow-up, there’s this article, which proves that call centre staff are the lowest common denominator, who read from a script, and can’t think for themselves.

[Disclaimer – my first job was in a call centre. It was the most painful five months of my life.]

In the Smiters of Iniquity, what day is tomorrow?

As I posted in 2006:

22 May 2006 is the official founding day of the New Religious Order, or NRO, so we have declared it a Holy Day. 22 May will now be known as Bliksem Day. Henceforth, all days will be in the new calendar dated from BS 1.

BS 1 – 22 May 2006 – 21 May 2007
BS 2 – 22 May 2007 – 21 May 2008
BS 3 – 22 May 2008 – 21 May 2009

This means that tomorrow is BS 3.218. I'm not quite sure why this question was asked of me in the first place.

Who woulda thunk it?

Robert Mugabe, despite his high ranking on the NMC list (see the Smiters Of Iniquity link to the right), said the funniest thing this week, as seen in The Star:

"America is stupid" – Robert Mugabe

Don't you love it? There are so many complex levels of irony in that statement.

Blog software sucks

I want to migrate my blog from simplephpblog to something running on MySQL. The trouble is, there's nothing that I like. I like this one, but it's not DB-enabled. The Moveable Types of the world look more complicated than necessary. Then there's the small matter of moving all the entries to the DB easily …

Anyway, I had a good day yesterday.